I’m Back.

12 Sep

I’m back.

It’s dark and quiet, the only noise the hum of the air conditioner that runs to cool our bedroom as we sleep.

It’s September. Yet the temperatures soared to over ninety today.

The last time I wrote here, my sweet baby girl was only a month new. Tomorrow, we are three weeks away from celebrating her first birthday.

Oh what a year it has been.

A year of the highest highs and lowest lows, I believe I’ve ever experienced before.

Her early months were filled with nursing, nursing and more nursing. Her tiny jaws just weren’t powerful enough and made eating a laborious task for her and her exhausted mama.

I spent every hour on the hour feeding my itty bitty baby. Laundry piled in baskets. Dishes overflowing in the sink. The house unkept. (So much for being Homemaker of the Year.)

The last few months have been tiring in other ways. Nursing is still frequent, but no longer difficult. In fact, it’s probably one of the few things we’ve found our groove in. I am so grateful that the rough beginning has faded into such a precious experience, one I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Eleven months and one week have passed since that rainy October evening and yet I feel as if I am still there.

Not physically, for all but seven of those (fifty!!) pregnancy pounds are gone, but spiritually.

I’ve drifted so far away from Jesus, and I miss Him. I miss this place where I spent many a midnight sharing what He was teaching me through His Word.

She arrived three weeks early, and maybe that’s why the entire year has felt so overwhelming. Maybe I didn’t prepare enough. I underestimated just how much a baby truly does change everything.

Here I am, exactly where I’ve longed to be.

Married. Mothering. In ministry.Β 

And sadly missing sweet fellowship with the very One who gave me my petitions.

I have everything I prayed for. Waited for. Weeped for.

But I’ve put the blessings before the Blesser.

My Londyn Grace is my world. Caring for her consumes me and it should. I believe wholeheartedly that motherhood is a sacred calling, but that’s just it a sacred calling calls for communion with the Savior if it is to be fulfilled adequately.

I didn’t notice the absence of my time with Jesus during the newborn days, but now I am painfully aware.

As she asserts her independence and showcases her strong will a little more each day, I am aware of my need to be in Him that I may train her in His ways.

I didn’t imagine we would already be dealing with the testing of boundaries and breaking of rules, but we are, and oh, how I need His help as I try to teach her right from wrong.

My husband deserves a wife that seeks first the kingdom of God so that she can be the wife and ministry partner needs.

He works hard to give me the opportunity to stay at home. A clean house and a meal prepared are important, but what matters most is that my heart is right so that I am able accomplish the lengthy to-do list that awaits me each morning.

My church deserves an associate pastor’s wife that is deeply in love with the Lord not one who is simply going through the motions.

So as the past year, my first year as a wife and a mama, slips into my second one, I pray that you will find me here more often, again using this place as I testament of what He’s doing within and without in my life.

And He certainly has a lot of work to do within.

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4 Responses to “I’m Back.”

  1. Lynda Love Clark September 12, 2013 at 9:56 am #

    So so happy to see you are back doing the blog – I missed it very much and your inspiring and encouraging words. Love hearing you share your everyday life – and even the trials. Your daughter is simply beautiful as are you. looking forward to reading your messages. GOD Bless.

  2. Sonya Hodge September 12, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

    Your a great encouragement to many people ~ and I love you very much!!!:)

  3. Lisa September 14, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

    This is beautiful! More than anything we need to be in love with Jesus!

  4. Amanda September 19, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    How very profound, and something I so need to hear! I’m reading a book right now called “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World” and the chapter I read today was exactly what you said in this blog post! I look forward to more wise words from you!

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