4 years ago…

30 Jul

I didn’t know what it meant to know my Heavenly Father in the deep and special way that I do today. I knew what it meant to want my way and how crushing it was when it fell apart. But now, I know the sweetness of being in His Will, of walking in His Ways, of knowing His blessing is upon where He has me today. How precious He is to me! 🙂

Job chapter 33 verse 17, “That He may withdraw man from his purpose…” is real to me. I praise Him today for withdrawing me from my own purpose so that I could know Him and look back over the last 1,460 days, seeing His fingerprints all over them! The process was painful and though it began 4 years ago today, it is continuing even now (and will continue until the day He calls me Home!). I praise Him for pain that has been turned into profit.

It hurt when God pried my fingers from the pen. I was scared to let go. I thought I was in control and He was about to change my thinking. I found out that the fire was hot. Hot because it was only through the fire that a finer vessel could be molded. I found out that life was much better without the dross! He knew that this was the only way for me to be who He desired me to be. This verse in  Job 23:10 has been a continual help, “He knoweth the way that take when He hath tried me I shall come forth as gold!” All along (and still today!) He knew what was around the corner and that even if it hurt it would help in the end to make me shine brighter for Him!

As He began writing my story, there have been days of doubt, fear and impatience as I wondered if He would ever accomplish that for which I longed. 1 year passed. 2 years passed. Still He hadn’t given that desire of my heart that I so desperately longed for.

But then in year 3, I began to find that desire changing. It wasn’t gone, in fact it was stronger than ever, but it was now totally and completely in the Hands of my King. Through countless hours in His Word and upon my knees in surrender, He had finally grown me to the point of trusting Him enough to where I didn’t obsess over the where’s, when’s and how’s to the point that they were consuming me. I now believed Him. I loved Him in a new way, with a love that satisfied every desire and had enough confidence in Him to believe He would give that which was good in His perfect time and way. No the desire was far from gone, it was (and is!) safely in the keeping of the Ultimate Prince Charming who was (and is!) secretly writing a beautiful Romance for me as I found in Him, my everything.

4 years ago today, I was broken and blackened by sin. I was saved, but knew not what it meant to have daily fellowship with my Savior. I came back to my sweet Savior, unworthy and unlovable yet He picked me up, lovingly wiped the tears from my eyes, cleaned the wounds my choices had left upon me, and told me that He did in fact love me more than anyone ever could. His blood washed me clean of the dirt sin had left behind. His grace removed the pain of lilymemories that came with the scars. He was now ready to teach me what it meant to be  a lily white daughter of the King!

“And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart…” (Deu. 6:6) 4 years ago today, I knew His Word in my head but it was not in my heart.  He was good enough to change that. I was “keeping” the commandments on the outside (to a certain extent), playing the part, living the life but I had no idea what keeping them really meant.

“That thou mightest fear the Lord thy God, to KEEP all his statutes and his commandments, which I command thee...” (Deu. 6:2)

The word KEEP is much more than mere obedience, but means “to hedge about (as with thorns), guard, protect, attend to” in the Hebrew and “to guard from loss or injury, by keeping the eye upon, to prevent from escaping” in the Greek.

Wow! How one word changed my life! He began teaching me to “keep my eye” continually upon His Word. Though the events that have followed the heartbreak of July 30,2005 have all been so wonderful, it is the love He has given me for His Word that is the dearest to my heart.

I say wholeheartedly with the Psalmist, “It is GOOD for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” (Psalm 119:71) In the ashes of unfulfilled promises, broken dreams, and shattered plans, I found an Amazing Savior. The word “afflicted” means to “depress, abase self, deal hardly with, chasten.” It took Him “dealing hardly” with me before I finally realized true JOY is found in Jesus!

I could go on forever about how grateful I am that He changed my plans! I’ll conclude with these verses from Deuteronomy chapter 8 that paint a beautiful picture of what my Lord has done for me beginning 4 years ago today. 🙂

“And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no. And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live….Therefore thou shalt keep the commandments of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, and to fear him. For the LORD thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills; A land of wheat, and barley, and vines, and fig trees, and pomegranates; a land of oil olive, and honey;  A land wherein thou shalt eat bread without scarceness, thou shalt not lack any thing in it; a land whose stones are iron, and out of whose hills thou mayest dig brass. When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the LORD thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.”  Deuteronomy 8:2-3, 6-10

Truly, it is a good land given by my good God! I love my Lord! 🙂


2 Responses to “4 years ago…”

  1. Joe Newsome August 6, 2009 at 4:04 am #

    4 years ago it ripped my heart out to see you hurt the way you were, but it has been an incredible joy to watch you grow in the Lord from that time on. I know you have heard this, but trails can make us better or bitter. I’m glad you chose the better. Because of that choice then, your life has become a great blessing to many people now through this blog and many other things you do. God is using you in a great way. I love you and Megan both more than you know and I’m proud to be your uncle.

    Love you
    Uncle Joe

  2. Staci August 6, 2009 at 1:45 pm #

    I thank you for your blog. I too have been through the fire so to speak. I tried to deal with everything by myself. I thought I was saved, but never really allowed God to take over and control my life. I too have been heart broken and to me at the time it was beyond repair. But even during those dark times, God and my guardian angel were always there to hold me up and keep me going even though I just wanted to give up. But God showed me through my children that he was there. It has been a long and hard journey, but finally about 4 years ago I allowed him to come into my life and take control. There have been hard times when I felt I could control things,but when I did, I fell on my face and ran back to God and he always picked me up and put his arms around me and let me know he still loved me even though I made mistakes and didn’t deserve his love. He is an awesome God. Sometimes I forget how wonderful and forgiving God is and again try in my dumb human ways to fix everything, it is not possible. Thank you for reminding me of how wonderful our God is. Thank you for reminding me that he is in ultimate control and no matter what the situation he is always and always has been in control. Like you said, God knows what is going to happen in our lives. Even though it may seem like everything is going wrong and the world is crumbling and coming down around you
    God is always there. He had a another plan for me when my life seemed worthless and not worth going on anymore. I am so thankful God loved me and showed me that there was more for me. He had another plan for me, Phil and the kids were just a small part of his ultimate plan for my future. If I had not listened to him I would never had been able to enjoy the love,friendship,and wonderful life he has in store for my future. I would never had been able to be in such a wonderful bible believing church and never had been blessed by such wonderful friends like you and megan and the Hodges. I thank God every day for my life. Thank you for reminding me of God’s great and wonderful love.

    Love you,


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